This is a term that has grown in popularity and it’s frequently used incorrectly.
Gaslighting is a term for abusive behavior that is designed to doubt a person’s sense of reality, making them more vulnerable to manipulation. The term came from the 1944 movie “Gaslit” which an abusive husband would turn the gas lighting down a small amount over and over again. Every time his wife complained about it, he would tell her she was crazy and imagining it to get her to slowly lose her mind.
Psychology Today defines gaslighting as “an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”
It is not as simple as saying, “I don’t remember that” or “I remember things differently.” Our minds are imperfect and memories can be inaccurate, which can make true gaslighting damaging. It’s normal to second guess or re-evaluate a decision or need to clarify oneself. Gaslighting has a darker intent because it exploits those normal tendencies.
Also, having a different viewpoint a person feels strongly about it not gaslighting, unless the other person is so intent on winning they must also damage their opponent by making them doubt their sense of reality.
Saying something like, “what the hell are you talking about? I never said that and if you actually believe that, you are out of your mind and should seek help!” is gaslightling. That’s an overt example. Abusers typically start small and get worse with time as they continue the assault.
Promising things and then just “forgetting” can be gaslighting. However, it can also happen with poor memories or with folks who have inattentive ADHD too. Looking at the effects of what happened when the person made the statement can be worthwhile to see the difference. Was there significant fallout or embarrassment from the lie? Did the person twist the words? Was it in the heat of the moment of an argument, or was it colder and more committed to in that it became an act of attacking the other person’s character? It’s one thing to want to win an argument, it’s another to want to win and crush the other’s mental state so they never dare challenge them again through use of excessive punishment.
This gets particularly nasty with narcissistic people who use it to manipulate others against their target. When this is done over time it can do incredible damage to reputations, relationships, and people’s social lives. The abuser may tell quite the story where they are the victim and appeal to their audience’s emotions. Gaslighting is a tactic that shouldn’t be taken lightly but not easily thrown around when a disagreement happens.
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