These are about the famous/infamous “Mom and Dad issues” that are often a part of therapy. Like it or not, our parents have a huge effect on children and how we connect with people. They are our original “powerful others” even though sometimes they aren’t the only ones that affect us and how we relate to other people.
There are 4 types of attachment styles.
Secure: Confident, worthiness, can take in support and can ask for it, a partner can leave and return and there is trust that they will not be abandoned. This can also be something that one achieves through therapy or other healing if they have had the other attachment styles historically. This style can also be lost in the presence of particularly damaging relationships over enough time, although they have a higher likelihood of leaving the situation appropriately than the other types.
Anxious: Clingy, seeks intensity, anxious, needs frequent reassurance, highly emotional, can be draining to be around, can get upset with partners if they are 5 minutes late or do something unexpected to their normal routine, frequently they want to trust but just can’t. Can also be very intense. When that fragile trust is damaged it can be extremely hard to restore. They may be very loving and may “love-bomb” but there is always worry. This must be healed by the person suffering with it, caring partners may mean well by trying to help or fix them but are probably going to be met with failure and even resentment. Sometimes this style can smother and push their partner away. Or worse, if the partner is toxic, they may enjoy getting their own Cinderella or feed off of excessive gift-giving while they go about their lives reaping the rewards without reciprocating. Predatory type individuals may love this type of person as they are “blood in the water” for their own purposes.
Avoidant: Distant, cold, unemotional or even hostile to emotional expression, avoids closeness. Can be mistaken for being strong. Also sometimes called Anxious-Avoidant, Resistant, and Anxious-Resistant, and each of those have their nuances. They may feel easily overwhelmed in relationships and greatly value their independence. Sometimes this type can be very supportive but will need time to process their emotions and figure things out. This can be seen as abandonment, especially by an anxious type, but it may not be that as they may be overthinking, which can feel like a disconnect that can trigger their partner. They may need a lot of space, but that does not necessarily mean they are abandoning their partner or don’t care. Those who seem to idolize the “lone wolf” are likely to have this style.
Disorganized: Chaotic, intense, unpredictable, you may feel like you must walk on eggshells around them, also can be frequently draining. A lot of contradiction in their words and actions, frequently other mental health problems are present. There can be a combo of anxious and avoidant attachment styles present. There was probably childhood trauma(s), undiagnosed mental health illnesses, addiction, or other untreated problems growing up.
It is important to note, any one of these attachment strategies could have trauma or experienced other mental health illnesses in their childhood. Sometimes the attachment strategies develop from parents being absent due to work demands or having to manage another family member with mental illnesses, addiction, poverty, or heath problems they themselves struggled with.
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